1 year ago...

One year ago today my mother lost her battle with lung cancer. Today we went to her grave and took a few minutes to think about the wonderful woman she was. And while this was all very emotional, that's really not what this post is about. When we were there, someone commented that she couldn't believe it had already been a year. And that really made me think. So much has changed over the past year.

A little more than a week before my mom passed, I found out I was pregnant. I knew it even before I took a test. In fact, on Thursday night I asked Dave, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" When he said no I told it was the day we would find out I was pregnant again. He smiled and nodded, knowing better than to argue with me, but I just knew. I knew in a way I didn't with Mudgie. I wanted to take a test on Friday morning, because I wanted to be able to tell my mom, and Mudgie and I went to see her every Friday. The next morning I took a test, and the results showed the faintest of faint 2nd line (the line that means you're pregnant). The line was barely visible, and you had to hold the test just right under the lights in order to see it. I really don't think Dave even believed me when I told him it was there. But I knew. Later that day I told my mom we were going to have another baby. She said congratulations, and I know she was happy for us, but I could also tell she was so sad. So sad because she knew she wouldn't meet this baby. I knew it too. And I knew it would make her sad. But I had to tell her. It was probably one of the most selfish things I did in the year and a half after she was diagnosed with cancer, but I had to tell her. I hope she understood.

And in the last year, Mudgie has become such a big boy. I went from nursing Mudgie, to weaning Mudgie, to nursing this new little boy. I went from finally feeling in control of my little family to once again feeling like I never know what's going to happen next. I grew a whole new person in my belly, and he's now here and almost 4 months old.

I miss her every day. There are times when I just want someone to tell me everything will be ok. There are times when I want to talk to someone about girl things that Dave would never understand. There are times when I just want someone to go shopping with. And now, a year later, I still miss her every day. But I look at the family I have all around me, and I still feel lucky. Even though her loss has been so hard, I know that I'm am so lucky to have Dave, my 2 wonderful little men, and all the friends and family who care about us.

As we were leaving the cemetery today, a giant bell tower started playing a song. And I found a rock for Mudgie to place on top of my mother's gravestone, a sign that we had been there. And as I did this, I think how my own mother taught me to do this when we would visit the graves of her grandparents. I know in my head the bells must be programed to play a song at 3pm on Sundays, but in my heart it kind of felt like she was there, saying hello, and I kind of liked that feeling.